Don’t you hate it when you’ve worked really hard on something and all anybody else can do is criticize it? Or point out the faults in your plan? For some reason, most people immediately point out what’s wrong with something, rather than what’s good about it.
Whatever it is that you are trying to do, you will always have negative people, naysayers, and critics who will tell you it can’t be done or that you won’t succeed. It may help to know that the criticism is often more about the other person (there’s that jealousy factor again), than it is about you.
I remember an incident many years ago now when I was just learning how to take pictures with digital cameras. The technique required is different from film, because it goes something like this: click click click delete! So you can afford to take more photos in pursuit of that perfect shot!
I was so proud of myself because I had taken a photo of my beautiful niece, and then printed it out directly from the digital camera (leaving no opportunity to edit the photo on the computer). My neighbor came over and immediately said “You need to take the red eye out of the photo!” I felt like a deflated balloon. A better approach would’ve been for him to say, “That’s a really beautiful photo, I can show you how to remove the red-eye, which will make it even better!” Now that statement would’ve made me perk up!
(Point #1) See the difference? The difference is in the approach. When you frontload the message by validating what the other person has accomplished, said, or done, then the other person is more receptive to what you have to say after that and that makes the criticism easier to receive. Not all criticism is bad – in fact constructive criticism can be very revealing and help you grow as long as it’s phrased properly.
It’s very easy to criticize other people. What’s harder is to get up there and do a better job, or find something nice to say instead. Many times people who criticize someone or something else don’t have any real credibility themselves. Sometimes they are jealous of the other person and wish that they were in their place (goes back to “why do certain people hate #1” – yesterday’s post).
(Point #2) On the other hand, good leaders recognize and take advantage of the skills, strengths, and abilities of others. They are more secure with who they are so they are not jealous. Rather they recognize what others have to offer. Successful companies (and nations) are not built by just one person. Most companies have a team of smart, talented people who work together to implement a vision and accomplish great things.
(Point #3) When you pursue your dreams or an opportunity, don’t allow other people to throw you off course. Surround yourself with people who will build you up and/or support you as you pursue your dreams. Hire a supportive mentor or coach. Nobody ever got to where they wanted to go by themselves! My Dad, who is 79 years old, always told me “It’s the things in life you don’t do that you end up regretting the most.’ To this I add “even if they don’t work out.”
Now I would love to hear from you:
Have you ever been in a similar situation?
How do you handle criticism? As the giver, as the receiver?
Do you notice how other people phrase things when they talk (ie. frontloading the message)?
Great topic!
Your dad is a very wise man, Karen, and to his lesson I will add …
If you can’t say something nice about somebody, don’t say anything (critical, hurtful, harmful) at all.
Your post reminds me of raising children. Parents should always give praise first before correcting a behavior and then continue to give praise each and every time a child does something right or something good.
I think the moral of the story is there’s a right way and a wrong way to criticize.
Thank you Melanie! I really appreciate your comments, and the “frontloading” the message does dovetail with raising children!
From my experience, I have found that immature people do not know how to criticize – they feel no hesitation in doing so, but have not learned the proper way to do it!